


Shattered

by VesperAfterDark (StarlitVesper)



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst, Codependency, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Despite having a lot of, Emotional Abuse, Gore, Heavy Themes, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Redemption, Sexual Assault, This is NOT as fluffy as my other fics, Toxic Relationship, Trauma, Verbal Abuse, ZaDr, Zim and Dib are in a super, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23438446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlitVesper/pseuds/VesperAfterDark
Summary: Zim and Dib’s relationship is beyond being on the rocks. When Dib drags him along on a weekend camping/cryptid hunting trip, Zim finally reaches his breaking point. But with shadowy forces beyond their control influencing their actions, will this weekend make or break them?DEAD DOVE - DO NOT EAT.Content warnings for: noncon/rape, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, gore
Relationships: Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> The explanation for why I wrote this is a little long. I’ve been in a weird place, emotionally. Back in December, I finally opened up about my ex fiancé after keeping my emotions bottled up for nearly 3 years. This prompted friends and family to finally talk to me about how I was clearly being abused and all of the things I was too blind to see at the time. 
> 
> Sometimes you’re too close to something so you can’t see all the pieces … you just see how you upset them. How you made things hard for them. How your illness was such an inconvenience. How your existence made them feel guilty. How you weren’t enough. 
> 
> And then you get some distance and you learn the difference between “They left because I was too broken…” and “They left because they finally broke me.”
> 
> Then I hit a writing block and I just … needed to vent some of the hurt, I guess? Needed someone else to cry because I can’t anymore. Needed to watch things resolve for someone else. Not perfectly but … enough.

Cause it's so hard for me to be honest these days  
I tell myself I'm doing okay  
I don't want the world to think I'm weak

[ - **Tiny Stills** , _Everything is Going Great_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_Hkw25Wl_o)

* * *

Zim sat in the corner of the tent, legs tucked up in his hoodie, chin on his knees. He hated the camping trips Dib had started dragging him out on. They were always hunting some terrifying creature, miles from humanity, cold and damp and miserable. Or at least, Zim certainly felt that way. He'd already broken into the stash of edibles they'd brought along to calm Zim's anxiety, but he was starting to feel like it was only amplifying his fears.

Outside, a twig snapped and Zim jumped a mile. 

“Dib!!!” he called, panicked. “What was that???”

Dib unzipped the tent with an eye roll and a sigh, toothbrush protruding from his mouth.

“That would be you. Panicking.  _ Again _ .” He took a swig of water, swished it in his mouth, and spat out into the wilderness. “You're freaking out for no reason," he said dismissively as he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

Zim pulled his knees in tighter. “I don’t like this, Dib. I want to go home.”

Dib stepped inside, stowing his toothbrush back in his bag. “We can’t go home. It’s going to be dark soon and we still have a couple miles if we want to get to the coordinates I’ve got.”

Zim _didn’t_ want that. He wanted to be in his base, eating taquitos with GIR on the couch and watching whatever movie GIR was hyperfixating on this week, far away from the secret, spooky, doomed  _ whatever  _ that Dib had his sights set on. Why couldn’t Dib just go on his own?

He flinched slightly as Dib crouched down in front of him, kissing his face and putting a finger under his chin. Zim kissed back half heartedly, antennae trembling behind his head.

“Come here …” Dib tugged at his sleeve, pulling him towards the sleeping bag.

“I’m just going to stay here … I don’t want to get up. I don’t feel well,” Zim mumbled. It wasn't a lie. He knew what Dib wanted and he could feel the anxiety building the longer he thought about it.

“You’re going to get cold.”

Zim looked up to find Dib staring at him expectantly. He extricated his legs from his hoodie and made his way over, feeling like he was watching his every move from the other side of a tv screen. Dib tugged Zim’s shirt off, then his pants. He kissed Zim’s body — blissfully unaware of the way Zim recoiled ever so slightly at his touch — and pulled his own clothes off before turning Zim around and bending him over.

_Great_. The position that most exemplified Zim’s primary use to Dib: hips and a pussy, nothing more. There was an unpleasant, sick feeling in his innards, but it was as distant as everything else. Dib pulled Zim’s hips backwards until they collided, pushed him away, pulled him back. Zim just had to stay upright but his mind struggled with even that. He was viscerally aware that something was wrong, but he couldn't put it into words so he bit his tongue.

A sudden, sharp pain between his legs made his breath catch in his throat. He didn’t cry out or whimper, just clenched his teeth until everything faded out yet again. Wasn't Dib supposed to hold him close? Talk to him? Make sure Zim’s needs were taken care of, too? Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t even sure he’d ever come before. Getting wet when Dib touched him was a pavlovian response that had been formed over the past few weeks. It definitely wasn't borne from legitimate desire.

Dib slammed Zim back, nails biting into Zim’s skin as he held him back. Zim focused on the nails and not the feeling between his legs. 

He counted down from ten. 

Dib let him go before he hit five.

Zim pitched forward and hurriedly stood up, legs shaking. He grabbed a blanket to pull around himself and a roll of paper towels, and sat on the other side of the tent as he attempted to clean himself up. Everything ached and he glanced down. His usual natural lubricant was a light pink, but he realized with concern that it looked darker than normal.

“Dib?” he said, voice reedy and tenuous. “I … think I’m bleeding.”

Dib glanced over but continued pulling his clothes on without a word.

Zim got a sinking feeling in his guts. “I don’t think that’s normal … I’m ... a little worried.” He was slightly _less_ worried about the prognosis, and moderately more concerned about what had just happened while he was quiet and hiding inside himself.

Dib laid down with his back to Zim, who felt suddenly cold and uncertain. Why wasn’t Dib answering him? Was it an irritating question … or just too stupid to warrant a response? Maybe Dib just didn’t know what to say.

“I’m scared,” Zim whispered, feeling distant from everything. He realized he was only talking to himself at this point.

He collected his clothes and pulled them on with unsteady hands. He fetched his blanket and curled up, shaking and wrapped up tight, behind Dib. Despair seemed to weigh like a rock in his chest. He just wanted to be held. Kissed lovingly and not lustfully. Spoken to kindly. Was that so much to ask? Sometimes he felt like being in a relationship with Dib was somehow more perilous to his health than being enemies had been.

“I don’t know if I consented to what just happened,” Zim said quietly. 

He waited for Dib to reply, even just to call him out. But Dib didn’t move or make a sound. He might have already been asleep. Or maybe, Zim thought with sinking heart, the whole thing was just so utterly ridiculous that Dib didn’t dare validate it. Besides, isn’t this what Zim had wanted? To be useful to Dib in such a way that Dib wouldn’t be able to leave him? Sex on demand was a small price to pay to finally make Dib his, right?

Zim squeezed his eyes shut and was surprised to find tears rolling down his cheeks. He wished Dib would hold him or answer him or do literally _anything_. Zim had never felt more alone and frightened. He pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped himself tighter in his blanket, mentally begging for the sweet release of sleep to bring him far away. 

* * *

Zim was lying on the ground, tired and aching. The lights above were so bright that he could scarcely make anything out.

“Is that it? That was pathetic … make them do it again,” Tallest Purple’s voice echoed from somewhere in the distance.

Suddenly, Zim was being dragged backwards. His hands and feet scrabbled against the ground, unable to find a hold. He looked up and Dib was leaning over him, eyes unfocused, a deranged grin contorting his face. He yanked Zim backwards by the hips and thrust up inside him. Zim shrieked and tried to claw at Dib’s hands, but he was already weak and worn out from the dozens of times this had played out before and Dib easily pinned his face to the ground. 

“He won’t listen to you, Zim!” Red cackled. “Poor, simple-minded human … so easy to break! He’ll do whatever we say. And we want him to give us a better show than last time, so you’d better play along, Zim!”

Zim’s nails split against the ground as he desperately attempted to get free. A sudden blinding pain split through his consciousness as Dib grabbed his antennae and pulled backwards.

“Dib!! Dib, please!!! Let go!!” Zim bawled. The pain was too much and he went limp, his neck bending back as far as it would go. “Stop … please!!! Make him stop!!! Somebody!! Please!!”

A shriek startled Zim out of his nightmare and he woke up gasping and tangled in his blanket. He looked around, panicked, trying to ground himself in a concrete place and time. The phantom pains began to fade and all he was left with was the all-too-real ache between his legs. Dib slept blissfully feet from him and Zim knew all he’d get if he woke the human up now would be an earful about what a pain in the ass he was. All he could do was roll over and try to cry as quietly as possible and maybe fade back into an uneasy, dreamless sleep. 

* * *

Dib opened his eyes but it was still dark. He blinked a couple times, just to be sure his eyes were really open. It was clearly still night, so what had woken him up?

He suddenly became aware that he was upright, hands and legs bound. His heart leapt into his throat.

“Hey!!” he shouted. His voice bounced for much longer than he expected. Wherever he was, it was mind-bogglingly huge. He listened to the reverberations of his voice as they faded into the distance, ears straining for anything else. Something skittered in the darkness, circling him slowly. Claws tapped against the ground and heavy, wheezing breaths bounced from wall to wall, until Dib couldn't tell if he was being circled by one creature or several dozen.

“Zim!!” he shrieked as his panic beginning to strangle him. “Zim!! Help!!!”

Suddenly a blinding light switched on above him, and a laugh filled every corner of the room. The pure hate underpinning the echoing cackle reverberated through Dib’s body and left him screeching with unbridled panic. His vision blurred and he could just barely make out a figure stepping into the light. He frantically blinked away tears until he could finally make out Zim was standing in front of him and relief flooded through his body.

“Zim!!! Zim, untie me!! We need to get the fuck out of—”

His eyes adjusted fully and he could finally make out Zim’s face, smiling so wide his gums were visible, dripping saliva down his chin. His eyes were huge, twitching at the edges, his blood-red gaze unfocused. He moved jerkily towards Dib, as if being puppeted by something that wasn't quite familiar with his body.

“Shhhhh now, my human,” Zim hissed gleefully, tongue flicking in and out. “No need to yell. I’m right here.”

Dib shrunk back, barely reigning in his terror. “Zim? What's going on?”

Zim reached into the shadows, his twitchy gaze fixed unwaveringly on Dib’s face, never breaking and head never moving, even as his body twisted to the side. He jerked a medical cart under the spotlight with a clatter that made Dib flinch. He reached for a scalpel and held it to his face, snaking out his tongue to run along the edge. Blood dribbled down his tongue as it lolled out of his mouth. He leaned in and licked up the side of Dib’s face, smearing dark pink and drool up his cheek and into his hair. Zim’s mouth was so close to Dib’s ear the he could feel every humid, cloying puff of breath as Zim panted shallowly next to him. His mouth stank like death and the air rattled in his throat. Dib wanted to run but even if he could have pulled himself free, his body had stopped listening to him. He shook helplessly as his bladder released, streaming piss down his legs and soaking his pants. Dib had never felt more disgusting or helpless and he hoped Zim … or the thing pretending to be him … would find him revolting enough that it would just leave him alone.

Next to his ear, Zim suddenly stopped breathing. What followed was the loudest silence Dib had ever heard; his body thrummed with nervous energy and he didn’t dare even think. He held his breath and hoped that he would wake up, or that the horrible Zim-thing would keel over, dead. 

“I’m gonna cut you open,” Zim whispered suddenly, like a zap of electricity on a freezing winter night.

Dib instantly broke the silence by fighting against his bonds and screaming for help. Even as his body thrashed, his bonds held tight. He twisted, desperately trying to get his wrist loose. He was willing to break his hands if it meant getting free.

“Oh, come on, Dib! It’s just going to be **_harder if you struggle!_** ” He could hear his own voice melding with Zim’s, see himself holding a terrified Zim down, his own voice speaking the same words so sweetly as tears streamed down Zim’s face. " _Just be still … just let me do this … If you loved me, you’d let me have my way with you._ **_You’ll learn to love it!!_** ”

Dib screamed and thrashed as the skin on his chest suddenly split open. He looked down and Zim was dragging the scalpel down his chest to his stomach, unzipping his flesh to reveal his innards.

“It hurts!! Zim, you’re hurting me!! Stop!!!” He thrashed against the restraints, even as Zim grabbed him around the throat, choking out his words. His head tipped upwards and Zim stood above him, eyes twitching, mouth pulled so wide Dib could have counted every one of his teeth. 

“Just sit back and enjoy the show, Dib!! It’s  _ supposed to hurt but  _ **_you’ll eventually learn to love it!!_ ** ” Zim cackled with joy as he sunk his fingers into Dib’s chest and ripped open his rib cage. Dib could feel his bones snapping but his ears had suddenly stopped working so that he could hear nothing over the thudding of his heart. He felt Zim’s hand graze the throbbing organ, blood making it slick, before he squeezed his hand around it and plucked it from Dib’s chest. It beat frantically against Zim’s hands like a caught bird.

“This is mine now, Dib!!” Zim said, his voice high and unhinged. “Oh, what to do with it … what to do with your heart, Dib?? Oh! Do you know what I’d  _ really like to do?? _ ”

Dib was crying too hard to even answer. He was frozen with pain and fear, his pants clinging cold and wet to his legs and his wrists aching. The incision in his stomach had circled around from absolute agony into a numbly throbbing ache.

“ _ I WANNA BREAK IT, DIB!!!!”  _ Zim screeched, clenching it in his fist.

Dib woke up screaming. He launched himself at the tent door and ripped the zipper open, stumbling out into the daylight. He lunged forward and puked down the side of an unfortunate birch tree. He leaned against it, coughing and panting, eyes and nose streaming fluids down his face. He collapsed into a tearful mess in the leaves, not even hearing Zim come sprinting out to check on him.

“Dib? Whats wrong??”

Zim’s hand brushed his shoulder and made him start sobbing even harder.

“It felt so real …” He didn’t even want to look up. It had been the kind of nightmare that lingered, warping perceptions and reality long after waking. He was worried that seeing Zim’s face would send him right over the edge.

Zim crouched behind him, all concern and gentleness, stroking Dib’s hair in a comforting manner. Dib couldn’t es cape the knowledge that he didn’t deserve any of it. He’d maintained his cognitive dissonance for the better part of a year, but he couldn’t lie to himself any longer.

“I hurt you … I think I’ve  _ been  _ hurting you.” he choked out. “I coerced you into things and I never checked to make sure you were enjoying it. I don’t know if I can live with myself after what I did to you. I don’t even know how the fuck I justified it. I took something that wasn’t mine and I hurt you and …”

Sobs wracked his body and shook him until everything felt numb. The last sensation he felt was Zim’s hand slipping from his shoulder in shock. He looked up to see Zim quickly disappearing back into the tent. He lay backwards in the leaves, staring up at a grey sky and choking on his snot and tears, hoping they’d drown him and finally put him out of his misery. 

* * *

Zim curled back up in his blanket, trying not to cry again. He knew it on some level, well before before Dib had told him. But getting verbal confirmation that he’d been purposefully ignored and used cut Zim so deeply he didn’t even know how to proceed. Did Dib even love him?? Zim had gone all his life without love or admiration or recognition or even just a simple compliment … so when Dib said he had feelings for Zim and asked to date him,  _ of course  _ Zim had said yes. But he still felt just as empty and unloved and used as he had before. It was made that much worse by the fact that he cared deeply for Dib. But as much of himself as he poured out … he never got anything in return. The emptiness inside him was threatening to swallow the rest of him whole.

“Zim?”

Dib sounded hoarse and nasal. Zim heard a small sniffle as he shuffled outside the tent.

“Zim … can we talk? Please?”

“I have _nothing_ to talk with you about, Dib,” Zim said, resolutely putting his chin up. “You’ve been using me and taking advantage of me … all I want to do is get through this stupid weekend without being hurt further. I don’t even know if we’ll still be together when we get home.”

Zim’s guts squirmed uncomfortably in his belly. He was bluffing. Of course they’d still be together; the thought of breaking up made Zim feel cold and sick. Even as upset as Dib had made him, Zim was so incredibly in love with him that the idea of turning him loose was just … no. It wasn’t happening.

But he could at least make Dib nervous. He deserved that satisfaction, at least. 

“Please, Zim? I’ve had … a bit of a come-to-Jesus moment, really …” Dib sighed and sat down outside the tent. “I had this dream … you … or something that looked like you? I don’t really know … it had me tied up and … cut me open and kept saying all these terrible things …” He suddenly flew to his feet and sprinted several yards away. Not so far away that Zim couldn’t distinctly hear him retching and choking, though.

Zim hugged his arms around himself. Dib clearly felt horrible. And Zim desperately needed a hug. Some sort of physical reassurance.  _ Anything. _

Dib trudged back, panting, and sat outside the tent.

“Rinse your mouth out and then come back,” Zim told him softly. “I’ll talk to you, but I can smell you from here and right now you absolutely reek.”

Dib slunk inside, glancing at Zim -- who was resolutely looking away -- and grabbed his things before disappearing for the next few minutes.

Zim wasn't lying. Dib smelled like vomit and fear-sweat. He wasn’t sure yet if he wanted physical contact but if he did, he wanted to be able to seek it out without gagging.

When Dib came back, Zim gave him permission to enter. He crawled through the tent opening, looking small and sickly. He sat in front of Zim, eyes downcast.

“Why did you do it?” Zim asked, barely above a whisper.

“I don’t really know,” Dib replied, trailing his fingers over the blanket next to him and drawing patterns before wiping the surface smooth again. “I’ve been watching porn for like … I don’t know. Five, six years now …”

“Huh? Wait. You’re eighteen,” Zim remarked with narrowed eyes. “You were  _ twelve _ when you started? I’m not the resident expert in earthen smeet development, but that seems … a little  _ young  _ to me. That would be … what, around the time I showed up in class?”

Dib gave Zim an odd look; nervous, like he was waiting to be called out. Slowly, the pieces slid into place in Zim’s brain.

“ _ Because _ I showed up in class?” Zim asked, bewildered.

“I knew from the start you were an alien, Zim,” Dib said softly, looking away. “And I also knew I’d never had a crush on anyone before you and I never would again. But you were trying to take over my planet and I thought I could just … watch porn with normal humans and  _ fix myself.  _ I think all it did was give me a complex, watching people get manhandled and hurt … I mean, that’s not _all_ there is out there, but it’s what I found and I didn’t know any better. And now I’m not even sure how to have a healthy relationship.”

“Fix yourself?” Zim repeated sadly. “Loving me means that you’re _broken_?”

If it was possible for Dib to look more ill over the situation, he somehow managed. “… I think I've held it against you … that you’re the only person I ever liked. I hated myself for having a crush on my enemy. I felt like you did this to me, somehow.”

“Past tense?” Zim whispered, eyes huge and sad.

Dib held his gaze momentarily, then folded. “... No,” he admitted. “Present tense …”

Zim fixed him with a pained stare. “Do you even _love me_ , Dib? _At all_?”

“Zim …”

“I just need to know whether or not to stick this out … because I love you _a lot_ , Dib,” Zim murmured, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. “I love you so much and so deeply that it hurts. Meanwhile you treat me like I’m still your enemy and I’d _swear_ you genuinely hate me.”

“I’m not even going to argue … I’ve been awful to you,” Dib whispered. “You didn't do anything to warrant that kind of treatment. I  _ do  _ love you … but it’s being filtered through a lot of bullshit.” Dib looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him up. “I’m so sorry, Zim … but I don’t think I can be the partner you deserve. Not now or … or maybe ever.”

Panic immediately flooded Zim’s brain.  _ That  _ wasn’t the reaction he wanted. Dib wasn’t just supposed to give up on him … on  _ them _ . And he  _ certainly _ didn't get to run off on his own, the cowardly bastard, leaving Zim to deal with the emotional fallout  _ alone _ . Wasn’t Zim owed something for his trouble? For all the effort he put in over the past year? All the hurt he’d endured?

He switched tactics. 

“Please try,” he begged, looking small. “I don’t want someone else. I want  _ you  _ Dib!”

Dib shook his head. “Zim, I’m … I’m pretty sure I’m  _ really _ damaged. I don’t know how it took me so long to see it. I don’t want to end up dragging you down with me. I mean … any more than I already have.”

Dib felt his stomach twist as tears welled in Zim’s eyes and he buried his face in the folds of his blanket. His sobs were the sort of frustrated, blubbering, messy wails of someone whose soul had been crushed to the point where nothing else mattered anymore. Dib desperately wanted to be as far away from the sound as possible, but guilt kept him rooted to the spot.

“You’re … b-breaking up … with me?” Zim hiccuped miserably. He was rapidly losing control of the situation. What was it going to take?? More begging? Fine; Zim could plead. Bargaining? Zim could bargain. There had to be something he could offer. “Please … give me another chance …”

“It’s not about chances,” Dib said quietly. “It’s about me just now realizing I’m too fucked up for a relationship.”

“Whatever you’re going through, I can deal with it. I can help you …” Zim warbled. He could do it. Be whatever Dib needed him to be. He’d give every last piece of himself until there was literally nothing left,  _ dammit.  _

“Zim …”

He fell into Dib’s lap, still trembling and sobbing, frustrated by his lack of options and terrified out of his mind of losing his only close friend.

“Don’t leave me, Dib …” he pleaded. “I’ll do anything. Just please don’t leave me … you and GIR are all I have …”

Dib could feel himself rapidly losing his grip on the present. His dream had thoroughly traumatized him to the point where the mere thought of hurting Zim made him want to hurl again. It was inevitable that if they stayed together, Zim would end up being collateral damage by virtue of being too close to Dib. But he also couldn’t just leave when Zim was so clearly dependent on him. That was a whole other level of hurt, the moral quagmire of which he didn’t have the mental capacity to wade through at the moment.

“Okay …” Dib said, scarcely above a whisper. “I won’t break up with you …”

Zim sat up, antennae trembling above his head, then hugged Dib around the neck and continued crying into his shirt. A strange, cold sadness settled in Dib’s chest and he wrapped his arms around Zim’s trembling frame. He didn’t know how to be reassuring or what was even appropriate to say. He leaned in and rested his head on top of Zim’s, rocking slowly back and forth more to calm himself down than anything else.

“Thank you,” Zim eventually murmured.

“I’m so scared that I’m too damaged to be someone that deserves you,” Dib whispered back, still holding Zim tight. “I can’t believe how awful I was to you last night … I don’t blame you if you never want to sleep next to me again or you’re just traumatized in general …”

"You're really just now realizing this?" Zim asked, sounding tired.

"It kind of hit me all at once," Dib mumbled.

“That must have been a fuck of a dream,” Zim said, muffled. “Wonder if it was worse than mine …”

Dib leaned back and Zim blinked as he finally faced the cold light of day.

“Why? What was yours?”

Zim hunched down and ducked his head. “… I don’t want to talk about it …”

“Can’t be worse than mine … in mine you—.”

“ _ Don’t  _ say it if you’re going to puke again,” Zim interrupted, leaning away with a disgusted look.

“My stomach is so empty that I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

“Fine …”

“In the dream ... I woke up restrained, and dream-you cut me open. Just ... Vivisected me right then and there. I had to listen to every last disgusting thing I’ve ever thought about you come out of your mouth, directed at me.” Dib was staring past the tent, looking haunted. “I guess in the context of your hands sliding through my blood, it suddenly just clicked for me. You know … How much of your bodily autonomy I violated. How much I hurt you … physically.” Tears ran down his cheeks and he held Zim close. “I’m so sorry, Zim … I don’t know what to do about this.”

“My dream made me scream myself awake at 4am ...”

“Wait, when? I didn’t even hear you wake up …” Dib said, looking slightly concerned.

“Because  _ I  _ didn’t go sprinting out of the tent to yak,” Zim replied sullenly. “I kept quiet because what would you have done otherwise?”

Dib wanted the earth to swallow him up. “... Told you to shut up, probably …” He suddenly hugged Zim to his chest, head over his shoulder. “I’m sorry. It’s not okay that you feel so afraid of me. Fuck, Zim … how do I fix this??”

“Don’t be such a fucking cunt? I don’t know, Dib. It  _ really _ doesn’t seem that hard,” Zim mumbled irritably, his attitude turning sour now that Dib was no longer angling to abandon him. “Figure out if you love me more or resent me more for making you a freak who wants to fuck an alien. But I’d try to keep in mind that  _ your  _ sex drive is not  _ my  _ fault.”

Dib stared, wide-eyes and shocked that Zim was being so blunt for once. 

“Dib…” Zim put his face in his hands while he collected himself. “I love you. I will _die_ if you leave me. But also, I am not just going to  _ let you get away with being awful. _ I really believe your personal best I leagues above this. Oh, also no more sex and no more stupid violent pornography until you get all of your issues sorted out.”

“Do you think I’m a sex addict?” Dib asked incredulously. " _That's_ what you got out of all this??"

“I think I’m no longer putting up with being sexually abused by you, and that the media you consume is _clearly_ unhealthy -- _you_ said it, _not me_. If you  _ really _ can’t respect my wishes for a couple weeks while we sort this out … then  _ yeah.  _ You might have a fucking problem.”

Dib’s immediate reaction was anger and an urge to give Zim the cold shoulder until he apologized. His newfound clarity, however, hit him like a blow to the stomach; Zim was right, and no amount of coercing an apology out of him would change that. And with that realization, the last bit of fight was beaten out of his ego. 

“When we get home,” Dib said, his tone radiating defeat, “I’m giving you my computer and you install whatever you want to keep me away from that shit.”

It would be so much easier to just dump Zim and live his life the way he saw fit. Being alone was simple … and all he had known for much of his life. So why couldn’t he just do it? Sure, Zim would cry. Yell. Probably beg. But he’d _eventually_ get over it. He was resilient and could maintain a sense of cognitive dissonance better than anyone. But yet ... Dib wanted him. Maybe needed him, even. He couldn't quite reconcile this need with his guilt and bitterness. Loving Zim, resenting him. Needing him, trying to push him away. These were the things that made up the destructive push and pull of his life.

Dib had really done his best to run their relationship into the ground, and he suspected there was more to it than just his resentment at falling in love with an alien invader. From the beginning, Zim had shown him a level of love and commitment that Dib _definitely_ didn’t deserve and was _positive_ he could never return. Maybe he was just determined to prove he was completely unlovable.

“My brain wants to have an absolute meltdown right now,” Dib mumbled. “I’m so angry and upset and disappointed with myself and I don’t know at all where to start to fix things or if I even _can_ fix things. I kind of just want to go back to sleep and hope my brain sorts it out then.”

“I barely feel like I slept at all,” Zim admitted. “But I’m also terrified to nap, in case …” He bit his lip nervously.

“How many blankets did you bring?”

“Like a dozen? Why?”

Dib moved to get up. “Bring them here. We'll make a nest and nap for a little while.”

Zim gave Dib a wary glance.

“I can let you have the sleeping bag to yourself if you want,” Dib assured him quietly. “I understand if you don’t want to be next to me.”

“... Will you just hold me?” Zim asked, looking small and uncertain. 

Dib nodded, feeling morose. “If that's what you want.”

“And can I wake you up if I need you? Without getting yelled at?” Zim asked softly as Dib’s heart broke for the millionth time in the past hour. “I can’t handle waking up from another nightmare like that alone.”

Dib nodded. “Yeah. I'll be more understanding. I owe you.”

Zim handed him blanket after blanket until they finally had a soft, warm space to retreat to. He laid down and Zim settled in front of him, face pressed against his chest. Dib held him close, fingers lightly rubbing his neck. Concern was still etched into the edges of Zim’s expression, and his antennae lightly twitched in a way that told Dib he was listening intently, not quite at ease enough to fully turn his attention away. 

“I’m not judging you,” Dib said softly, “but … I know I haven’t been good to you. I wouldn’t expect you to cling to me like this.”

Zim looked up at him, eyes worried and antennae pressed flat against his head. He glanced away, ashamed. “You’re the only thing that makes me feel moderately okay,” Zim admitted in a choked whisper. “You’re scarier than anything out there that could hurt me. And … I love you. Even if ... you don’t love me.” Zim rapidly dissolved into inconsolable tears again. Dib abruptly sat up, startling him.

“Don’t leave!” he chirped, terrified.

“I’m not gonna leave. Come here … sit up for me. I don’t want you to choke,” Dib mumbled as he helped Zim into his lap, feeling horribly awkward. Zim put his arms around Dib’s neck and sobbed into the front of his shirt. Dib pulled a blanket around them both, holding Zim close and feeling useless. All he could do was whisper, “You’re okay …” and other platitudes that he couldn’t back up with anything concrete as Zim shook and blubbered against him. “I love you, Zim. It’s okay.”

Everything felt cold and empty and melancholy as Dib contemplated the uncertain future of their relationship. He wasn’t quite sure what to do, since it felt almost misleading to provide Zim with the love and affection he needed when Dib wasn’t sure what would ultimately happen to them.

“I’m sorry that I need you,” Zim choked out. “I’m sorry, Dib. I know you don’t want to be with me …”

“ _ Christ, Zim!”  _ Dib finally exclaimed, causing Zim to cower and shake against him. “I love you and I want to be with you but I also hate myself for falling for my nemesis -- for an alien! -- and I don’t know who I am without the ability to prove to everyone that  _ I’m right about the paranormal! _ I had to give up on the _one thing_ I had proof of in order to date you --"

"That's not fair, Dib!" Zim said petulantly. "You asked _me_ out. Don't resent me for your own choices ..."

"I know! It's stupid," Dib said desperately, words tumbling from his mouth. "But it's how I feel and I just … I don’t know! I feel like I’m losing myself.”

Zim had gone quiet, but he was trembling. Dib put a hand on the back of Zim’s head, gently cradling it. “And I’m scared I’m going to hurt you more because my brain is so fucking broken.”

“I don’t care …” Zim mumbled. “I don’t want you to leave.”

“And I don’t want to leave, either, Zim! I just …” He held Zim close, barely aware of rocking back and forth to calm himself down. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’m like this.” He pressed his face against Zim’s neck as tears sprung to his eyes. “I don’t know why you love me when I’m like this …”

His sadness breached all the barricades he’d put up over the years and threatened to drown him. He sobbed soundlessly into Zim’s shoulder, his stuttering breath startling Zim.

As he awkwardly patted Dib's arm, Zim felt like the world was falling apart and there was nothing he could do to put it back together fast enough. Was this the end? Where could they even go from here?

He hugged Dib, head on his shoulder. “We’ll figure this out. I promise,” Zim whispered, even though he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

They eventually laid back down, wrapped around each other, confused and hurting. Dib's heart physically ached and he did his best to soothe Zim gently to sleep, rubbing his back and watching the little movements his antennae made as he drifted off. The ends were soft and tufted, like moth antennae, and they twitched slightly as Zim faded into unconsciousness. Dib looked at the smattering of freckles across Zim's face, thinking that it looked like a galaxy, and wishing that he could just _love_ Zim in an uncomplicated way. His resentment had soured into something incredibly ugly, and he wasn't sure how to dismantle it. He looked down again at Zim's peaceful -- if tear-stained -- sleeping face, and let everything else fall away. He could still feel a warm flutter of love for Zim and he let it engulf him.

"I love you, Zim," he murmured. "I'll find a way to make things right."

**Author's Note:**

> I have a really rough version of the rest of this that needs major cleanup. This fic isn't currently my first priority and I'll be writing it as the mood strikes me. For fics that are a little less grimdark but still deal with heavy themes, please check out my main fics: The Weight We Carry, Hybrid, and Quantum Entanglement.


End file.
